I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
