Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
