Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize