you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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