i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
