imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
