remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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