Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
is that a dick in a sweater?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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