Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
