Pants 0. Shit 1.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
