I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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