I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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