I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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