Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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