oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
