hotel room ftw
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
