I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
