so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
