Whod you bang
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
