It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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