11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am puke
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
