Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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