Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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