nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
