just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
