it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
