we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
