Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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