Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
