Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
