I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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