she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
