She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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