totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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