just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
