Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
