Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
