One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
