I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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