We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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