made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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