you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
