Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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