No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
