My hand turned me down
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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