we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
