I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
