remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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