ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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