the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
