proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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