I cannot find my penis.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
