You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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