Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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