The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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