The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Never underestimate the power of titties
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
