I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i dont even know how to be here
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
