On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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