I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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